Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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