why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
