I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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