Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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