I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
