Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
