and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
