i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
