Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
