Don't make out with my wife yet
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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