Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
