Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
