Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
