He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
