she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
