if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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