life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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