I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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