After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
