you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
wanna go halves on a baby?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Randomize
