its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
