I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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