You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
