He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
