i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize