Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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