I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
