I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
