My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
