I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
