Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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