bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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