I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
