I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
