The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
