Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize