I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize