Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
