i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
