his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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