Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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