Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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