I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
smell my finger.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
