Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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