3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
