I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
