yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
