i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
