I wanna bring you to show and tell
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
