I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
