Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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