You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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