Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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