I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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