Have you finally orgasmed yet?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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