I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
