the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
