last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
