My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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