Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
